Day 109

Day 109
Today I ran my first 5k challenge. I ran, and it hurt like hell and I was exhausted and did not think I was going to make it- and yet, the entire time I was running I was smiling. I ran out in the country, with a thunderstorm brewing and I felt the wind all around me, and nothing but the quiet sounds of my feet and my thoughts. I smiled, and I was alive and free and for the first time in a while I felt like maybe I was capable of more than I think I am. Today I ran, and I conquered my self doubts.
Day 109
Not missing you as much

Day 98

It has been 98 days since the start of 2013 and the launch of my mission to live presently and forget about you. I think I’ve made progress living presently, I’ve had many fantastic days with the kids and I am starting to feel a bit more like myself. I’m writing, if you can even call this that. I’m working on new friendships and learning that new friendships may be the only ones I have. Time has inevitably changed so many things and it’s changed myself, and most of my old friends. Looking back on the experiences I thought bonded me to them, at the “good times” I just feel like we were stupid kids who had no idea. The amount of destruction in my life that I caused and the years lost and the opportunities I ruined is staggering.
I miss you. Almost every day, not quite. It’s getting better. It’s not always painful and usually I can just shove the thoughts from my mind. When I do think of you, I hope that you are happy and doing well. I hope that everything is exactly how you want it. I hope you have no doubts about anything you’re doing. I am full of doubts. I’m not even sure I’m happy. In fact, I know I’m not- I’m just too scared to change it. Everyone has left now.
The most painful part of life today is being married to someone I know will never make me happy, who will never be enough. Someone who I did once love with all my heart, I believe that. Where did it go. Where did our happiness go? Where did the love go? Now he just gives me empty promises. He’s nothing. He’s done nothing. He’s content to do nothing. He is not a great father, he is not a great husband, he is not even a great employee working his dream job. He’s content, and that’s deadly.
Will life ever change? Will I ever feel certain or in charge of the path I’m on? What do I want to do in life, and why do I think I need my husbands clearance to do it. So what if the school I want is 5 hrs away. We have no ties here. I should just go and live and if he wants to follow he can and if he doesn’t we can divorce. I should just lay it all on the line, I should have a backbone and self respect. I should have goals and dreams and feel like I’m worth something, that I’m capable of greatness.
But I don’t. It left with you.
Day 98: Still not over it.

Day 98

It has been 98 days since the start of 2013 and the launch of my mission to live presently and forget about you. I think I’ve made progress living presently, I’ve had many fantastic days with the kids and I am starting to feel a bit more like myself. I’m writing, if you can even call this that. I’m working on new friendships and learning that new friendships may be the only ones I have. Time has inevitably changed so many things and it’s changed myself, and most of my old friends. Looking back on the experiences I thought bonded me to them, at the “good times” I just feel like we were stupid kids who had no idea. The amount of destruction in my life that I caused and the years lost and the opportunities I ruined is staggering.
I miss you. Almost every day, not quite. It’s getting better. It’s not always painful and usually I can just shove the thoughts from my mind. When I do think of you, I hope that you are happy and doing well. I hope that everything is exactly how you want it. I hope you have no doubts about anything you’re doing. I am full of doubts. I’m not even sure I’m happy. In fact, I know I’m not- I’m just too scared to change it. Everyone has left now.
The most painful part of life today is being married to someone I know will never make me happy, who will never be enough. Someone who I did once love with all my heart, I believe that. Where did it go. Where did our happiness go? Where did the love go? Now he just gives me empty promises. He’s nothing. He’s done nothing. He’s content to do nothing. He is not a great father, he is not a great husband, he is not even a great employee working his dream job. He’s content, and that’s deadly.
Will life ever change? Will I ever feel certain or in charge of the path I’m on? What do I want to do in life, and why do I think I need my husbands clearance to do it. So what if the school I want is 5 hrs away. We have no ties here. I should just go and live and if he wants to follow he can and if he doesn’t we can divorce. I should just lay it all on the line, I should have a backbone and self respect. I should have goals and dreams and feel like I’m worth something, that I’m capable of greatness.
But I don’t. It left with you.
Day 98: Still not over it.